How to Be More Assertive—Without Being ‘Rude’ or ‘Aggressive’
Knowing how to be more assertive is something that, in theory, should be as straightforward as expressing what you want, when you want. But too often, the fear of being seen as bossy, rude, or confrontational holds a lot of us back from speaking up. Instead, we overexplain, apologize for our opinions, or simply bite our tongues—all things that don’t exactly project confidence.
If any of this sounds relatable, take comfort in knowing that it’s not a sign of weakness—it’s a byproduct of the culture we’re raised in, Carolyn Rubenstein, PhD, a Miami-based clinical psychologist and author of Perseverance: How Young People Turn Fear into Hope, tells SELF. “From a young age, many of us are taught to prioritize harmony and politeness over self-expression, which can make speaking up feel synonymous with stepping out of line.” And these pressures might hit even harder depending on your gender and race: As Dr. Rubenstein points out, what’s seen as “strong” and “leadership-worthy” in men often gets labeled as “aggressive” or “bossy” in women—especially women of color.
But constantly holding back or being overly agreeable can have real consequences. Whether it’s feeling overlooked, taken advantage of, or eventually resentful as others’ needs eclipse your own, silence will drain your relationships—and, more importantly, your well-being. That’s why the experts we spoke with agree that asserting yourself is a skill worth mastering. As long as you do it thoughtfully, that is.
Below, we break down how to strike that balance of being clear, direct, and unapologetic—while also staying flexible and respectful.
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