When Your Boss Turns Toxic: The Silent Career Killer No One Warns You About—and How to Fight Back Without Burning Bridges

I still remember standing in the kitchen area at work, being pressured to sign that thank you card. It was National Boss’s Day and my boss’s executive assistant had a card she wanted us to all sign. It was to thank our boss for being a great boss. The front of the card said, “The world needs more bosses like you!” I felt sick to my stomach, barely scrawling my name inside. The irony was that this boss was one of the worst bosses I had ever worked for.

My former boss was the bully boss. He reminded me of the playground bully who teased and taunted and mocked others. This bully boss also publicly and privately humiliated me. He called me a rat. He told me no one wanted me on their team but only he took a chance on me. When he found out another leader at the company wanted me to rotate onto their team, he screamed at me and said I could leave his team only when he said I could. 

As some of us celebrate and honor National Boss’s Day, it’s an important moment to remember that not everyone has a good relationship with their boss. Some of us are struggling with a boss who undermines us, makes fun of us, and even threatens to fire us. For anyone struggling with a bully boss, here are three important steps I wish I had taken back then.

1. Don’t normalize the behavior just because it’s your boss

When you are working for someone who is a bully, we may use power dynamics as an excuse. We tolerate things from a boss that we wouldn’t tolerate from a colleague. And of course, we may be scared of losing our jobs, so we normalize this behavior. If a bully boss shuts you down, calls you names and makes inappropriate jokes, and consistently crosses boundaries, this isn’t them just having a bad day. This is a pattern of bad, bullying behavior.

I remember rationalizing his behavior. “Well, that’s just how he is,” and “Maybe I’m being too sensitive,” and “This is the price I pay to have this big title and paycheck,” or “He is just under a lot of stress.” Just because they are the boss doesn’t mean they can behave this way. Ask yourself if you would allow a colleague to treat you this way? Chances are you wouldn’t.

2. Document what’s happening

I wish I had documented what was happening at work during this time. Some days I thought it would get better. Some days I thought I was imagining things. Some days I thought I could push through. Some days, I felt myself disappearing. My confidence was completely shaken.

Document what’s happening. As I discuss in my book, The Devil Emails at Midnight: What Good Leaders Can Learn from Bad Bosses, where there’s smoke, there’s fire. A boss who bullies you once will do it again and again, testing your boundaries. And if they are bullying you, chances are, they have bullied others too. Make sure to keep your documentation off your work laptop and save screenshots of texts, emails and Slack messages. Keep a record of the facts: when it happened, what happened, if anyone else was present and how it impacted your work. You will want to use this documentation in the future if you decide to contact an employment lawyer. And, for now, you can review what’s happening and remind yourself that you are not the problem. You are, in fact, the target of bullying.

3. Know your rights

When your boss is the bully, speaking up can feel really risky. I wish I had known my rights and I wish I knew back then silence wasn’t my only option. That’s where Lift Our Voices, founded by Gretchen Carlson and Julie Roginsky, is an invaluable resource.

Lift Our Voices is working to challenge workplace silencing mechanisms and help employees better understand their rights. It’s LOV Where You Work AI Tool is a game-changing free resource designed to help employees make sense of employment agreements. The tool can help you identify provisions that would affect your ability to speak up. You can upload your employment contract and onboarding documents to this tool. It will help give you a better sense of what you signed and what rights and options are available to you if you are the target of workplace bullying. You may also decide to talk to trusted friends and mentors, and consult an employment attorney.

For some, National Boss’s Day is a day to thank the boss who makes work better. But if your boss is the reason you dread going to work, you don’t owe them a card or a mug or a thank you. You owe yourself a plan. Understand and validate what you are experiencing. Document what’s happening. Finally, map out your options. Remember that having a boss doesn’t mean giving up your voice. It means learning when and how to use it.

I still remember standing in the kitchen area at work, being pressured to sign that thank you card. It was National Boss’s Day and my boss’s executive assistant had a card she wanted us to all sign. It was to thank our boss for being a great boss. The front of the card said, “The world needs more bosses like you!” I felt sick to my stomach, barely scrawling my name inside. The irony was that this boss was one of the worst bosses I had ever worked for.

My former boss was the bully boss. He reminded me of the playground bully who teased and taunted and mocked others. This bully boss also publicly and privately humiliated me. He called me a rat. He told me no one wanted me on their team but only he took a chance on me. When he found out another leader at the company wanted me to rotate onto their team, he screamed at me and said I could leave his team only when he said I could. 

As some of us celebrate and honor National Boss’s Day, it’s an important moment to remember that not everyone has a good relationship with their boss. Some of us are struggling with a boss who undermines us, makes fun of us, and even threatens to fire us. For anyone struggling with a bully boss, here are three important steps I wish I had taken back then.