Lavender Marriages Exposed: The Hidden Alliance Resurfacing in Today’s Spotlight—What They’re Not Telling You!

White might be the classic bridal color, but when it comes to a “lavender marriage,” the shade is less about wedding décor and more about a complex dance of identity and societal survival. So what exactly is a lavender marriage? It’s not just a quirky phrase or a pastel-themed ceremony—it’s a strategic kind of union where a couple appears to be traditionally heterosexual on paper, even if one or both partners identify as queer. Sounds like an intricate balancing act, right? This arrangement, often called a marriage of convenience, historically allowed queer individuals to tap into the legal and social privileges of heterosexual marriage while shielding themselves from discrimination and even danger. As history has shown, the stakes have been high—from Hollywood studios’ tight controls to government-led purges targeting LGBTQ+ individuals. Today, despite more progress in LGBTQ+ rights, these marriages have not vanished; in fact, with political winds shifting, they’re finding new relevance among younger generations seeking security and stability in an uncertain landscape. Curious about how this old strategy is weaving itself back into modern life? Let’s unpack the layers behind lavender marriages and why they matter more than ever. LEARN MORE

Given that white is considered the quintessential “bridal” color, it’s fair if you’ve got questions about what a “lavender marriage” entails. Because no, it doesn’t refer to weddings embracing the color of the season.

Rather, “a lavender marriage is a marriage that publicly and legally appears to be heterosexual—meaning, features two people of different genders—despite one or both partners being queer,” says certified sex therapist Casey Tanner, LCPC, CST. Sometimes referred to as a marriage of convenience, these partnerships “are a strategic way to access the social and legal benefits of heterosexuality while shielding oneself from violence and discrimination,” says Tanner.

The specific benefits of heterosexuality—and risks of open homosexuality—have shifted throughout history, evolving alongside changes in law, culture, and social attitudes. Throughout the 1900s, lavender marriages offered a way to navigate a world where being openly queer could mean losing your job, your home, or even your personal safety, according to mental health therapist and professional Cindy Ramos, MHC-LP.

And while Obergefell v. Hodges legalized same-sex marriage in the United States in 2015, the security of those protections remains far from guaranteed. Recent political debates have reopened questions about marriage equality and LGBTQ+ rights, leaving many queer people to wonder whether their legal unions—and the protections tied to them—could one day be taken away.

At the same time, heterosexual couples continue to receive unspoken privileges outside of the legal benefits of marriage. General social acceptance, workplace protections, easier access to resources like housing and healthcare, and more, are all easier for straight-presenting people to receive than known or visible queer folks—especially in conservative areas, says Heather Shannon, LCPC, CST, a licensed professional counselor.

These realities, paired with today’s shifting social and legal landscape, have led some younger queer people to once again turn to lavender marriages as a way to create stability and safety. Ahead, a closer look at the trend that’s finding new relevance.

Meet the experts: Casey Tanner, LCPC, CST, is a certified sex therapist, founder and CEO at queer sex therapy practice The Expansive Group, and sex expert at pleasure-product company LELO. Cindy Ramos, MHC-LP, is a mental health therapist and professional with the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York. Heather Shannon, LCPC, CST, is a licensed professional counselor, AASECT-certified sex therapist, and host of the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast. Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, is a queer sex therapist and director of The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City. Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT, is a psychotherapist, sexologist, and an expert at SXWA, a sexual wellness award platform.

Lavender Marriage, Defined

Lavender marriage refers to the legal union between a man and a woman entered into as a way to navigate a homophobic society that privileges heterosexual partnerships in legal, social, and material ways, explains Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, a queer sex therapist. These arrangements are rooted in a desire for safety, whether that’s protecting one’s career, financial portfolio, social standing, or even mental well-being, they say.

The History of Lavender Marriage

Lavender marriages first emerged in the 1920s, when being openly queer could mean losing your job, being institutionalized, or facing public shame or violence, says Tanner.

“They were especially common in golden-age Hollywood, when studios tightly controlled the public image of their stars,” she says. They were also at play among politicians, where public image and conformity to heteronormative ideals were closely tied to professional and financial survival, adds Kahn.

At the time, lavender was a coded reference to queerness as the purple shade had come to signal sexual and gender nonconformity.

The symbolism of the term deepened in the 1950s during the “Lavender Scare,” which was a government campaign to purge all suspected queer employees from federal jobs. Government officials claimed that because LGBTQ+ individuals had to hide their identities to avoid discrimination, they were inherently vulnerable to coercion and blackmail by communists.

To be very clear: These marriages only existed because of systemic oppression and widespread homophobia. At a time when being LGBTQ+ could put an individual in harm’s way, “they offered a layer of safety from discrimination, harassment, or legal consequences tied to openly queer identities,” says Kahn. If LGBTQ+ individuals were not oppressed, lavender marriages never would have arisen as a coping strategy.

Lavender Marriage vs. Mixed-Orientation Marriage

By definition, lavender marriages include at least one person who isn’t straight. But they’re not the same thing as mixed-orientation marriages (MOMs), which are unions between two people with different sexual orientations. Think: a bisexual woman and a heterosexual man, or a queer man and a straight woman.

The key differences come down to intention and (in)visibility. A lavender marriage is specifically about deceiving the public for protection, says Shannon. These partnerships are deliberately constructed to appear heterosexual. Most often, as a means of survival.

Mixed-orientation marriages, on the other hand, are built on connection, not concealment. Sure, some relationships between bisexual, polysexual, or queer people might look straight from the outside, or be straight passing, says Tanner. But they are based on emotional, romantic, and/or sexual connection, and the individuals in them usually don’t make any efforts to hide their sexuality, she says.

In fact, “members of straight-passing mixed-orientation relationships usually desire more visibility as queer people, and experience a sense of erasure or invisibility when they’re perceived as straight.” To counter this, some of these folks try to connect with their queerness and other queer people by attending pride events, consuming queer media, and talking about their sexuality.

Modern Lavender Marriages

“Increased LGBTQ+ visibility, greater legal protections, and more accepting cultural attitudes are gradually reducing the necessity of lavender marriages,” says Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT, a psychotherapist and sexologist. Still, these partnerships haven’t disappeared.

Today, traditional lavender marriages continue to exist in countries, regions, and religious communities where strong societal stigma or legal barriers to LGBTQ+ rights remain, Berkheimer says. In these cases, people may enter a lavender marriage to maintain safety, stay connected to family, or remain part of a faith-based or cultural community where queerness is less accepted, she says.

And, unfortunately, experts think that lavender marriages could see a resurgence in the U.S. amid rising political and legal threats to LGBTQ+ rights. “There’s a massive juxtaposition between how queer younger generations are and the decline in protections for queer people,” says Tanner. “Lavender marriages may start to fill that gap.”

In the backdrop, Gen Z-ers have also started to embrace a new kind of lavender marriage. Rather than seeing marriage as a mask of queerness, some young people are championing marriage to a friend as a way to add financial ease into everyday life, says Tanner. These lavender-like arrangements are chosen as joyful, value-centered arrangements. But they also “reflect the realities of modern life, like the rising costs of living and fractured healthcare systems,” which single folks are disproportionately impacted by, they say.

The Cost of Lavender Marriages

Lavender marriages may offer certain protection, but they can also take a toll on the people involved, says Tanner.

Being in a traditional lavender marriage—or otherwise not being out—forces you to hide (or compartmentalize) parts of yourself. “Living with a secret in this way often leads to feelings of inauthenticity, frustration, and low self-esteem,” says Berkheimer. On top of that, there is tremendous mental strain involved in constantly keeping up appearances, she says.

“Living a double life can lead to a fear of being exposed,” says Tanner. This, in turn, can lead individuals to retreat from their loved ones, which can ultimately create feelings of isolation or disconnection, she says. When the fear of being outed keeps someone from dating or pursuing romantic or sexual relationships, it further limits opportunities for intimacy, pleasure, and authentic connection and can compound those feelings of loneliness, she says.

Where To Go From Here

Lavender marriages first emerged as a survival strategy, helping queer people find safety, stability, and belonging. While these arrangements have been less common in recent decades, the uncertainty surrounding LGBTQ+ rights has brought the concept back into conversation.

But no matter what happens, experts stress the importance of remembering that you’re not alone. A recent 2025 Gallup poll found that more than two-thirds of Americans support marriage for same-sex couples, a near-record high. “You have more support than you realize,” says Shannon. If you can’t feel that in your day-to-day life, she suggests seeking out a local LGBTQ+ community center or online support group if there aren’t any close to you.

“It may also benefit you to get yourself an awesome therapist to help you process all the intense feelings of being queer in this timeline in a healthy way so it doesn’t lead to mental illness, self-harm, or putting yourself in dangerous situations.”

More than being in good company, Khan says, “remember that your identity and relationships are valid, valuable, and that you are worthy of love.”

Gabrielle Kassel (she/her) is a sex and wellness journalist who writes at the intersection of queerness, sexual health, and pleasure. In addition to Women’s Health, her work has appeared in publications such as Shape, Cosmopolitan, Well+Good, Health, Self, Men’s Health, Greatist, and more! In her free time, Gabrielle can be found coaching CrossFit, reviewing pleasure products, hiking with her border collie, or recording episodes of the podcast she co-hosts called