Even the most calm among us can temporarily unravel in the throes of a divorce. As a certified divorce coach, I’ve seen it all: I’ve had clients pour out their ex’s expensive whiskey collection, sabotage the digital thermostat from afar, and even refuse to flush the toilet. These actions don’t just hurt the other person, but distract from doing the core work required to emotionally move on post-split.
I’ve personally been through the divorce process twice, and I know that focusing my time and energy on productive steps helped me move forward and build a beautiful life on the other side. How do you do that, exactly? Allow me to share the seven concrete tips and habits that have proven most useful to my clients in their post-divorce journeys.
1. Reframe the story.
Get ready, the questions are coming. In many cases, colleagues or acquaintances will dart their eyes toward your now-empty ring finger or crane their head while asking in a condescending tone: “So what happened with your marriage?”
Successful clients create a short, neutral “divorce elevator pitch” to use in casual conversations—one or two lines you can easily remember. Try something like: Joe and I aren’t together anymore, but what I really want to talk about is this trip I planned in the Fall…have you ever been to Italy? Disclose only what you want while guiding the conversation in a new direction. This will help you keep from spiraling or oversharing. Instead, you’re in control of your story—after all, you don’t owe anyone an explanation about your personal life.
2. Create physical space.
Even if your ex moved out, it’s time to revamp “safety zones” in your house—meaning areas you designate as personal, private space for you now that the marriage is ending. I tell my clients to choose an area—it can be a whole room or a tight corner—and make it into a space that represents their beautiful future.
One of my clients converted the unfinished part of their basement that formerly housed all of her ex’s old sporting equipment and tools—she made it into a yoga room with flameless candles. I made a small nook in the corner of my master bedroom into an office, complete with hot pink folders, notebooks and girly art supplies I knew he’d avoid.
3. Practice structured communication.
I advise my clients to do the same thing most divorce attorneys recommend: Avoid getting into an email or text war with your ex. These emotionally charged messages escalate conflict and often prolong the legal process which can be expensive both in time and money. Your hostile words, committed to digital record, may later be used against you in court.
When you feel yourself ready to hit send on the tirade you’ve passionately written, stop and take a breath. Ask yourself if it follows the BIFF Response model: brief, informative, friendly, firm. If not, why are you sending it? In almost all cases, once a client sends an accusatory email to their ex, they regret it the next week. Negativity breeds more of the same. It might feel good at the moment, so write what you want to write—then send it to a friend or better yet, delete it.
If you have kids, you’ll be required to communicate and keep a schedule. In this case, I suggest using one of the many available co-parenting apps like Our Family Wizard which has features for everything from communication to calendaring to financial tracking.
4. Allow grief and gratitude to coexist.
Even in the most extreme cases of divorce with violations like infidelity (sexual, financial, emotional, or otherwise) you will still likely have mixed feelings about the ending of a bond that was supposed to last a lifetime. A deliberate exercise can help process these layered emotions.
I suggest writing a short “gratitude letter” to your ex (you’re not necessarily going to share this with them), to honor and reflect on the positive ways they enhanced your life. Clients read these aloud to me; they’re beautiful. Many refer to their children, of course, but in some letters clients have acknowledged ways their ex helped them through a major pivot in their career or their appreciation for a friendship with a sister-in-law. When you start dating again, this exercise is good practice for finding balanced attributes in a partner.
5. Try new activities.
Have you always wanted to try rock climbing but your ex was afraid of heights? Or hone a consistent yoga practice? This is the time! I learned how to cross-stitch during my second divorce, a hobby I never imagined I’d enjoy. My mind was busy studying grids and I found it deeply cathartic to repeatedly stab a cloth with a needle.
Try something new, and if you don’t like it, give something else a try. These new pursuits serve a greater purpose than filling time—you’re reclaiming your identity and building a future defined by what you want for yourself beyond the past relationship. You might be surprised at the new passions you discover or the strength you find in embracing this new chapter.
And, if you’re seeking community in these endeavors, online divorce communities are fantastic places to find like-minded people who are looking to bring new experiences into their lives. In the best case scenario, you’ll meet new friends and break mundane habits you had while you were married.
6. Diversify your tribe.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you haven’t personally been through a divorce, you don’t know what it’s like. Even if you have incredibly supportive friends and family who are helping to take care of you, this is the time to meet people going through the same thing you are.
Seek out a community that’s centered on moving on with grace and dignity; people who share your values. If it becomes a relationship-bashing group that doesn’t feel authentic to who you are, find something else. Getting together and complaining over a bottle of wine with your divorce friends is part of the process—but everything in moderation.
7. Ask for help.
Clients roll their eyes at me when I say this and yet so few of us know how to ask for the exact help we need in the moment we’re struggling. I remember one instance when I had been sobbing on my couch for hours, then my brother called. He asked what he could do and I just blubbered that I wanted him to come over. He sat with me and watched sports while I cried. We didn’t even talk, but it was all I needed.
I tell clients not to judge the need for help and to embrace that little voice that feels like they need comfort. Most people are thrilled to help you. Therapy, coaching, co-parenting counseling, and religious support is available as well.
Every step you’re taking, however small, is a powerful investment in the life you want to have now. By choosing to focus your energy on forward momentum, you’ll give yourself the best chance to heal and grow.
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