Men's Health October 7, 2025 0 Comments

Why Men Keep Missing This ONE Crucial Thing Women Desperately Need — And How It’s Sabotaging Your Relationship

You ever wonder why, after forty-five years of marriage, your better half still insists you’re not listening? Believe me, as a marriage and family counselor, that hits me right in the gut—because I should know better! But here’s the kicker: it’s not always about fixing the problem. Sometimes, what’s really needed is just being truly heard. My wife has told me that over and over, “I don’t need you to solve my problems. I just want to be heard.” It sounds simple, yet so many men—including myself—stumble over that one. Like a true problem-solver, I’m wired to jump straight into fix-it mode whether it’s a leaky roof or a heartfelt worry. But what if the real challenge isn’t the nail in the head but understanding the story behind it? The brilliantly insightful short film “It’s Not About the Nail” by Jason Headley nails this dilemma in just two minutes, capturing the eternal tug-of-war between men’s urge to repair and women’s need to be listened to. Stick with me—I’ll walk you through why watching this gem, learning its lessons, and practicing patience might just flip your relationship script for good. Ready to rethink what it truly means to listen? LEARN MORE

I am a marriage and family counselor so I should know better. My wife and I have been married forty-five years, and she still tells me I don’t listen to her.

“I don’t need you to solve my problems. I just want to be heard,”

she’s told me many times. I know, I know. I know what I should do, I just have a problem doing it. Filmmaker, Jason Headley captures what many men and women experience in less than two minutes. I have watched the film many times since I first saw it more than ten years ago and it still reminds me of challenges we face in our relationships.

Like many men, I’ve always been a problem solver. If something isn’t going well in my life, I look for a way to fix it. When water started dripping down one of the beams in the living room, a ran for a pan to catch the drips, then called a roofer friend who came out and fixed the roof.

When my wife has a problem, I listen until it’s clear what the problem is and then I tell her what I think she should do. To me that’s showing her that I love her. Too many men, I know, are oblivious to what is going on with their partners. I have several male friends who say they were blind-sided when their wife told them, out of the blue, “I want a divorce.” Their wives say that they’ve been voicing their unhappiness for years, but he just didn’t listen.

I’ve never been that kind of husband. I do listen and I do want my wife to be happy. If there’s a problem that can be fixed, I want to fix it if I can or encourage her to fix it. But over the years I’ve learned that we need to resist our compulsion to fix things and take time to listen.

The Two-Minute Film That Will Change Your Life for the Better, If…

The film, It’s Not About the Nail was made by Jason Headley. He also wrote Pixar’s Lightyear and Onward and wrote and directed the SXSW Special Jury Prize-winning feature A Bad Idea Gone Wrong. It’s Not About the Nail has gotten over 24 million views on Youtube since it was released in 2013.

I believe the film can change your life for good if you do three simple things:

Watch the film.
Learn the important lessons the film teaches us.
Practice what you learn… again and again and again.

Seeing The Situation From the Woman’s Perspective

When you watch and listen to the woman in the film, she tells us clearly what is going on for her and how she is feeling:

“There’s all this pressure, you know? And sometimes it feels like it’s right up on me. And I can feel it, literally feel it — in my head. And it’s relentless.”

“And I don’t know if it’s going to stop… that’s the thing that scares me the most. I don’t know… if it’s ever going to stop.”

She turns to the man and…

Seeing the Situation From the Man’s Perspective

From his perspective, the problem is obvious and as soon as he points it out, he is sure the woman will do the right thing and accept and appreciate his wisdom.

He looks at her, points his finger and tells her:

“You have a nail in your head.”

To which, she replies, “IT’S NOT ABOUT THE NAIL.”

It’s important to note that she doesn’t say, “I don’t have a nail in my head,” but “It’s not about the nail.”

From his perspective, she’s absolutely wrong and if she would listen to him, see the obvious truth of the problem, everything will be O.K.

“Are you sure… because I bet if we got that thing out of there,” he tells her.

In exasperation she says, “STOP TRYING TO FIX IT.”

But, of course, he doesn’t give up. “I’m not trying to fix it,” he says. “I’m just pointing out that maybe the nail is CAUSING…”

Her frustration boils over. “You always do this. You’re always trying to fix things when what I need is for you to just listen…”

At this point, we’re halfway through the two-minute film. Are you starting to understand the wisdom and importance of understand their different perspectives? From our separate viewpoints, we each believe the truth is obvious. Yet, there is a deeper truth that we need help recognizing.

What the Experts Have to Say

I have known and admired the work of Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt for more than forty years. I have interviewed them both numerous times on my podcasts, including a recent interview just with Harville about men’s issues. Harville and Helen are internationally respected couple’s therapists, educators, speakers, and New York Times bestselling authors. Together, they have written over 10 books with more than 4 million copies sold, including the timeless classic, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. In addition, Harville has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey television program 17 times!

They have helped millions of women and men to listen to each other and know they are being heard and understood. They also have found that relationship problems are not limited to our intimate relationships. They pervade our society. In their most recent book, How to Talk with Anyone about Anything: The Practice of Save Conversations, Harville and Helen say,

“We began developing the skills that led to creating Safe Conversations Dialogue in Helen’s living room in 1977, when we first began dating. We had both gone through painful divorces, and we were eager to make our relationship work despite our differences.”

John and Julie Gottman are also a well-respected duo who have been helping couples to improve their relationships for more than forty years. Over the years they learned that men have an important and unique role to play in improving a couple’s love life but have rarely been given the specific tools they needed in order to succeed.

“Men, you have the power to make or break a relationship,”

they say in their book, The Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the “Love Lab” About What Women Really Want.

“What men do in relationships is, by a large margin, the crucial factor that separates a great relationship from a failed one. This does not mean that a woman doesn’t need to do her part, but the data proves that a man’s actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship succeeds or fails, which is ironic, since most relationship books are for women. That’s kind of like doing open-heart surgery on the wrong patient.”

John Gottman, PhD is the guy who is known for being able to predict with 94 percent accuracy whether a couple will get divorced. The scientific laboratory, the “Love Lab,” is his major source of knowledge. John’s wife, Dr. Julie Gottman, is a clinical psychologist who has worked side by side with John to strengthen couples’ relationships worldwide.

In addition to being the world’s leading marriage researcher, John has also distinguished himself by being in many disastrous relationships with women before he met Julie. Being a marriage expert doesn’t exempt us from having our own problems. We all need help and support. I know from personal experience as I share on the introductory video on my website, “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.”

I write a new article every week. I look forward to your questions and comments. I also invite you to join our community and sign up for our free weekly newsletter.