Unlock the Secret Techniques Sex Experts Swear By to Master Cunnilingus and Skyrocket Your Intimacy Game!
If you haven’t yet been on the giving end of cunnilingus—that is, oral sex performed on someone with a vulva—the act might sound exciting…but also totally overwhelming. Or, at least, you might have some questions about what vulvas taste like, WTF you should do with your tongue, and how to make the experience as perfect as possible for you and your partner.
Spoiler alert, though: It doesn’t take too much magic, practice, or natural skill to give good great oral. All you really need is some enthusiasm and a few handy dandy pointers from sex experts to make you a cunnilingus connoisseur.
If you’re feeling ready to go down, here’s everything you need to know about cunnilingus, from the best positions to expert-approved tips on giving your partner an unforgettably good time.
Meet the Experts:
Janet Brito, PhD, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist and founder of The Hawaii Center for Sexual Health. Marla Renee Stewart is a sexologist and sexual strategist at therapy, coaching, and workshop hub Velvet Lips Sex Ed and the co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay. Carolanne Marcantonio, LCSW, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist and co-creator of Wise Therapy.
What is cunnilingus?
Put simply, cunnilingus is any kind of oral sex performed on a vulva. This can look like many things in practice: it might involve kissing or licking circles around the clitoris, inserting you tongue into your partner’s vagina, or kissing or gently biting the labia.
A lot of the time, it involves some form of clitoral stimulation via the mouth or tongue. For many people with vulvas, clit contact is a necessity for orgasm. While there are certainly ways to incorporate that into penetrative sex, cunnilingus is a great way to give your partner’s clitoris—and its 8,000 nerve endings—some attention.
How to give cunnilingus:
Here’s how to give oral—and how to do it well, per the experts:
1. Set the mood.
Cunnilingus is all about creating intimacy and trust, feeling good, and making your partner feel super good—so before you even head to the bedroom, try to get the vibes going, says Marla Renee Stewart, sexual strategist at Velvet Lips Sex Ed and co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay. She suggests putting on a sensual playlist or maybe lighting some candles to create a sexy atmosphere, help get your partner in the mood, and take their mind off of daily stressors.
2. Get in position.
If you’re new to giving or receiving cunnilingus, Brito recommends a tried-and-true position: The receiver lies on their back, with the giver either on their knees at the end of the bed or on their belly (depending on the giver’s agility and the size of your bed).
If the receiver has a back-facing vulva—meaning their vulva is in between their legs, as opposed to facing frontward—it can help to slide a pillow or wedge under the receiver’s butt to angle them upwards, says Stewart. (FYI, if you’re unsure whether your vulva is front or back-facing, Stewart suggests standing in front of a mirror. If you can see the slit of your vulva, it’s front-facing; if you can’t, it’s back-facing.)
You can also have the receiving partner sit on the giving partner’s face, or try a 69 position where you’re side by side.
3. Start slow.
Once you’re both in a frisky frame of mind, you probably don’t want to head straight for their vulva. (Unless, of course, that’s something they’re into—no shame.) The clitoris is extremely sensitive, so applying a ton of tongue pressure there can be too much, too soon. Instead, “work your way [down] there. It’s good to take your time,” Brito says. “Enjoy their body, focusing on non-genital areas first, and show appreciation and care.”
Going slow in the lead-up to oral sex will help you foster the connection with your partner and ensure they feel safe and secure, adds Stewart. Aim for a lot of close body contact, which can include “kissing, touching, rubbing, and caressing” other sensitive and/or erogenous zones, like their nipples, neck, or thigh, she continues. “All of those things are going to help [them] relax into [their] body for receiving.”
Starting with those other sexy areas can help blood flow to their clitoris, causing it to swell and heightening their arousal.
4. Gradually increase speed and pressure.
Once you’re both ready to move to your partner’s vulva, try starting with a wide, flat tongue and soft, gentle movements on or around the clitoris. “Go easy and slow at first as you gain momentum,” Brito says.
Then, pay attention to your partner’s physical and verbal cues. Once you’ve gained that momentum—or if they directly indicate that they want more—slowly start to ramp up the speed and pressure. “As there’s more arousal, you can increase the rhythm,” Brito says.
5. Stick to a few consistent, circular motions.
Have you ever heard the old tip about spelling the alphabet with your tongue? Yeah, don’t do that, says Stewart.
For most people with vulvas, consistency feels good: Constantly switching patterns can stop them from building arousal. But you should have more than one move, Stewart says. “If you’re just doing the same thing over and over and over again, a lot of times, people get numb,” she explains. “I always say make sure you always have two or three moves in your arsenal, so that you are doing those moves consistently to help bring somebody up to orgasm.”
As things heat up with your partner, you’ll start to learn their favorite movements—maybe they like it when you slide your tongue up and down over their clitoris, or maybe they prefer broader, circular movements around the clit. If you don’t know where to start, Brito recommends trying clockwise or counter-clockwise circles.
“Most vulva owners prefer some sort of circular motion around the clitoris,” she says, “and then you increase the intensity,” either by adding speed or pressure.
6. Use your hands, too.
You can always use your hands to touch your partner’s erogenous zones (or yourself) while performing oral sex. Or, if your partner’s into it, you can use your hands and mouth in tandem. A few ways to try this, per Marcantonio: “The palm of the hand can rub against the clit while the tongue is pressed internally; [or, your] fingers can be inserted vaginally to stroke the G-spot.” (To find someone’s G-spot, insert your fingers about two to three inches inside and curve them towards your partner’s belly button.)
7. Add some dirty talk.
Especially if you know your partner might be feeling vulnerable, feel free to tell them how good they taste, feel, and look, and how turned on you are. (Of course, if your mouth is too, um, occupied, you can show them how you’re feeling through moans.)
And if you’re feeling vulnerable or nervous, dirty talk can be a hot way to check in on how they feel and what’s working while you’re still ~in the moment~. “Checking in too often can be annoying, because then, when you ask the question, you’re actually taking them out of their head,” Stewart warns—but framing it as dirty talk? “Then, that can not only be a source of checking in, but it’s also sexy.”
Marcantonio also advocates for using dirty talk as a directive or request, whether you’re giving or receiving oral. For example, you might tell your partner how much you’d love to go down on them. If you’d like to receive a little cunnilingus, you can say that you’d love to feel your partner’s mouth on your clit. Hot, hot, hot!
8. You don’t have to stick to the clitoris.
The clitoris might be the most sensitive part, but show the rest of your partner’s vulva some love, too, says Brito. For example, they might enjoy it if you slip your tongue into their vagina—but get the go-ahead first. (Again, when you’re in the heat of the moment, you can always get consent through dirty talk.)
9. Take your time.
If you have a penis, you might not be accustomed to how long it could take someone with a vulva to climax from oral sex, Brito points out. If you’re both hoping your partner orgasms, try not to use up your energy right away, and try not to get frustrated if it takes them longer than expected. And on that note…
10. Don’t get too caught up in whether or when they’ll orgasm.
If you’re only going down on your partner because you’re waiting for an orgasm to happen, “the other person’s going to know that you think this is a job, as opposed to a pleasurable activity that you’re enjoying,” Brito says. “The person’s going to feel your attitude in how you approach it. So I think the mistake is seeing it as a chore, as a performance, and not being in the moment.” In other words, it’s not fun to have any kind of sex if your partner’s just waiting for it to end, right?
11. Practice aftercare.
After receiving cunnilingus, it’s always a good idea to pee afterwards to “flush out that system,” Marcantonio explains. If you’re interested in washing off a bit, “showering together afterwards can also be a great way to connect,” she adds.
Aside from that, everyone has different needs after sex, stresses Marcantonio. Some people might want to enjoy a sweet treat, drink a glass of water, or cuddle. You might also choose to debrief, and discuss what the experience was like for both of you—and ask what you can do to make it even better next time.
What should I know before performing cunnilingus?
First off, communication is important. Getting and giving consent is the most important thing to do before engaging in any kind of sexual activity: “Make sure that you have discussed this in advance and the person wants this to happen, and they are enthusiastically looking forward to enjoying this activity with you,” says Janet Brito, PhD, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and founder of The Hawaii Center for Sexual Health.
While discussing your respective comfort levels, you can also ask your partner about their preferences, too, says Carolanne Marcantonio, LCSW, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and co-creator of Wise Therapy.
“Good sex comes with good communication,” she explains. “Some people might like some biting; they might like a pull of labia, or biting around the clitoral hood, or even feeling very firm pressure with a tongue directly on a clit. Others would prefer to keep underwear on.” Knowing what your partner likes ahead of time can help you both have the best experience possible.
Also, know that your partner’s vulva will taste, well, like a vagina, Brito adds. That is to say, it could be sour, sharp, sweet, musky, or acidic—and as long as the odor isn’t particularly fishy, which could be a sign of an infection, its smell is perfectly healthy.
“It’s not a rose garden. It’s a vulva, and there’s going to be a scent,” she says. People with vaginas are often socialized to worry about the way they smell or taste down there, and Brito emphasizes that the person performing cunnilingus should “appreciate that scent” instead of making their partner feel self-conscious.
Speaking of healthy vaginas, if you’re the one receiving oral, do *not* worry about douching! Washing out your vagina can disrupt its natural bacteria, and even cause micro-tears that could increase your risk of contracting an STI or UTI. Plus, “the vagina has its own self-cleaning mechanism, so the vagina’s already doing that work for you,” explains Marcantonio.
When it comes to hygiene, though, you can always clean your vulva (that is, the external part of your genitals) with a little soap and water beforehand, especially if that would help you feel more comfortable.
You should also talk to your partner about your STI status, and whether or not you’ll be using a barrier like a dental dam. Because, unfortunately…
Can STIs be spread through cunnilingus?
Yes. Many of the most common STIs, like chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis, can be spread through cunnilingus, according to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. So even if you and your partner won’t be engaging in any genital-to-genital contact, it’s just as important to get tested and know your status—and avoid oral sex if you or your partner has a genital herpes outbreak or a cold sore, says Brito.
As with anything related to sex, communication is key. When you’re open and honest about all facets of your wants, needs, and sex life—it opens up the door for a truly pleasurable time for all.
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