Men's Lifestyle July 15, 2026 0 Comments

The Shocking Truth Behind the Cyclospora Outbreak: What Big Food Isn’t Telling You!

So here we are, smack dab in the middle of what has to be one of the most bizarre summers in America’s recent memory. We just blew out the candles on our 250th birthday cake—feeling pretty darn proud—yet somehow, alongside the scorcher heat waves, international conflicts that drag on like a never-ending series, and grocery bills mounting higher than your favorite dumbbell rack, we’re also facing a nationwide outbreak of explosive diarrhea. Yeah, you heard me right. As if life wasn’t already throwing enough curveballs, now your salad might just be the worst thing you put in your body this season. Makes you wonder: how did a simple leaf of lettuce become a national security threat? And what does it say about how we handle health advice when even the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are running on a fraction of their usual muscle? Buckle up, because this ain’t your average wellness wake-up call—it’s a wild ride through freedom, folly, and food safety you didn’t ask for but definitely need to hear. LEARN MORE

3 min read

What an incredible summer to be an American. We’ve just celebrated our 250th birthday, and we’re feeling great. Some of us are slimmer than ever! That’s because now, in addition to record-high temperatures—and a war we can’t get out of, ICE rolling up in our towns and shooting whomever they feel like, our allies stepping away from us, people having to put their groceries on Klarna, and the fact that this season of Love Island ended and the reunion isn’t for another month—we have a national outbreak of explosive diarrhea.

Explosive diarrhea could not be a more perfect image for our times. The same people who brought you “I’m not going to wear a mask during a respiratory epidemic because it’s a violation of my liberty” kept their hot streak going through “Why should I get a vaccine if I’m not even sick?” That led right on up to “Let’s put the guy with the worm in his brain in change of our health, because his grievances match mine.” Now our secretary of health and human services is the opposite of a health expert. He made massive cuts to the budget of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, which has weakened surveillance of foodborne illnesses. Now Cyclospora is spreading, and a salad can blow your asshole out.

I have a challenge for “I don’t want to be told what to do” Americans: Chomp down hard on an unwashed leaf of lettuce, which better goddamn well be on a burger, and let the chips fall where they may. If you stomped your feet about setting your AC at 78 degrees during a heat wave to help prevent power outages, if you declined a vaccine in the name of liberty, if a grocery-store mask mandate made you feel like Mel Gibson in Braveheart, then why bother listening to the recommendations from whoever the hell is left at the CDC to reduce risk of Cyclospora infection? Which, just for the record are:

Thoroughly washing all of your fruit and produce under clean, running water, even if it is labeled as prewashed.
Removing and discarding the outer leaves of whole heads of lettuce and the outer layers of onions.
Cutting off bruised or damaged areas.
Following general safe food-handling protocols like washing your own hands for 20 seconds before touching your food.

I bet whoever came up with these was a nerd. I bet he has a reedy voice and a skinny neck and he prefers soccer to football. I bet he thinks he knows more than you do about what’s good for you. I say ignore him. Embrace and celebrate your rights as an American. In America we are free, and if freedom keeps us tethered to our toilets for weeks at a time, so be it. Give me listeria or give me death, I always say.

“I don’t want to be told what to do” is a popular idea these days, but like a lot of popular things, it is bullshit. People love to be told what to do. They just want to feel like they have some say in who tells them what to do, and we want to be a little bit afraid of the person telling us. If it’s an egghead, or a woman, or a democratic socialist with dimples, even if what they’re saying has been the conventional wisdom throughout the country for decades, it’s a nonstarter. Instead, many Americans rely on CEOs, football coaches, and retired military generals (like Admiral William McRaven, whose Make Your Bed is in its 154th week on the New York Times best-seller list).

If U.S. Army general Stormin’ Norman Schwarzkopf had warned us about the dangers of climate change in the early 1990s, climate change would have been solved. You would be reading this in your town’s ample green space or on well-funded, speedy, and popular public transportation, because the red-assed commander of Operation Desert Storm barked your responsibilities at you. Instead, Al Gore sighed a lot, and that’s why your grandchildren are going to need gills.

We keep listening to the wrong people—electing the wrong people—and letting them do whatever they want to our fragile democracy. We should be thankful that today it’s only explosive diarrhea. Tomorrow it could be much worse.